Pink Snowshoes

does life really have to be this messy?

2007-10-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

i cannot describe and rather do NOT want to describe the current state of my house.. it is a mess.. and i find that i cycle in this alot with the three kids... where i finally feel peace in my own home because what i see reflects the state of my being... only to turn around after hours of cleaning and see it vanish in the amount of 20 minutes... it's wretched and i give up!!! seriously, i have several days a week where i am done... i'm done trying to keep up.. i'm done doing what will only be undone, i'm done trying to get them to clean up their stuff.. i just don't have the energy to care... but i DO care and that is the problem... i see no end to the messes, and today it has been around.. it's in every corner of my home... and i'm overwhelmed and want to cry... i don't like how it feels and i don't like how mad i get with the kids for just being kids.. but at the same time, how do i make this work?? i feel quite helpless and am done thinking about it...

so we'll move on... the other day i was on myspace and decided to go to the "jesus" page... there's several versions of jesus on myspace, my favorite being a black and white pictured jesus, but i went to the serene white jesus with long flowing auburn hair and inviting smile jesus' page this particular day (um, jews don't look like that btw)... but anyways, i was shocked and stunned by all the confessions people had to post... first off this was obviously NOT jesus's myspace, but people didn't seem to care, the need for forgiveness was more strong than common sense... grace.... the world is desperate for it... and even when i hear grace preached, there always seems to be this BUT.... that follows... like, God will forgive you.. BUT sin is powerful and could take you away... God will forgive you BUT you will still have consequences.... always a BUT follows... i understand... the desire to warn about grace... but if you have to warn... then go ahead... grace though, is that.... there really aren't any but's... you can do whatever you want and you are forgiven...in fact when you ask for forgiveness.... there's no lectures there's no... "i told you"... there's no.. you gotta suffer alittle and feel guilt before i forgive you.... as soon as you own your mistake... or sin (depending on your language preference)... it's gone, all forgiven!! i used to feel like surely i had to feel some guilt or get some lecture.. but NOPE... that's not grace... and it's not how God's worked in my life... it's that easy... ask and you shall be forgiven... you don't need to go to jesus's myspace for it... it's even simpler than that... now if we, as a church, could preach that... of course it would mean that people would use up that grace with poor choices... that's alittle more complex... when you hurt people... but not with God... hm, sounds too good to be true...

i'm tired, tired, tired...

updates

2007-10-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i have sat in silence... never mind that isaiah's upstairs screaming instead of sleeping... he took a 45 minute nap this morning (ggrrrr) and now has taken a half hour nap... thinking it's time to wake up... um, nooo.... so if he screams the next hour away instead of sleeping, so be it... i'm tired and drained, and operating off reserves... i need the next hour to try to gain some stability in me... out of all my children, isaiah has been the worst napper, ever... i don't understand it! he hasn't learned to put himself back to bed... and i wonder how much is temperament related... when he wakes up, he's just too stubborn to go back to bed... it's been a nightmare... some ground has been gained, where he has days where he'll take two decent naps... today isn't one of those... and so i'm in the basement floor, far away from being able to hear his protests... and i think i'm going to be needing one of those naps, myself... the house is quiet besides that... isaac has now learned how to climb out of his crib, which he does now, instead of sleep... alas, it's time to move him into the toddler bed we have for him... it's alittle car bed, and i think he'll love it... but once he sees isaiah in HIS crib, the feels will be mixed... the task of switching the boys and bella's room is great and i'm procrastinating it... bella, is the only one that still takes a good nap... and that's hard when i have three to deal with... in fact it's all challenging at this point...

speaking of which... my husband and i have a consultation to do something permanent for birth control... yes, that's right... no more babies... i went through a week of mourning over this decision but i'm all better now... the idea makes me feel relieved and almost giddy... we're done... i'm sure i'll cycle through the gamut of emotions, but i'm done!...

it's been a rough couple of weeks for me emotionally... alot of feelings are being stirred up by a few different events... one is that i called my mother in pdx, and was able to hear some truth about what's going on in her life.. and see her make some good choices.... and i called her this week, expecting to hear that things were fine, but instead i was pleasantly surprised to hear she's following through her decision to sell her business and get a regular job... she currently has a home for elderly which allows her no freedoms, as the residence need 24-7 care... on top of that, i had a discussion with an elder from my church that headed in an unexpected direction... he said that he wanted to be in a "father" type place in my heart... i've known him for many years now... and the mere mention caused alot of pain to flood back to my life... i'd given up on ever having a father, and the word still is unsettling to me... that anyone would see the need in me and want to address it, is quiet humbling...

i'm tired and so i will nap... while i can.. isaiah woke up at 12:30 am, 4:30 am, 5:30 am, 7 am.. and i finally got him due to terribly sad crying... he mouths, mum mum ma.... when he's upset... it makes me feel even more urgency since it feels like he's calling me...... when he's happy he babbles du du da.... go figure

drugs...

2007-09-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

most of us have had a time in our life, where we made less than productive decisions... i'm going to share some of mine... all through my teenage years and up until my early 20's... i used ALOT of drugs, the illegal ones made by a street pharmacist, not the kind you pick up on prescription... so in alot of sense, it takes one to know one, type deals, has resulted... i can spot a user a mile away, and the sad thing is that our society deems only "junkie" looking people who are merely a few inches away from rock bottom, as addicts... when in fact there are plenty of celebrities who strike me as complete addicts (sorry girls, alot of those skinny models/actresses aren't that way because they "exercise, and eat healthy"... merely a lie), but that's beside my current point....

one of my family members is well on his road to that bottomless place of insanity and chaos... the kind only white powders bring to your world... and i'm struck by the sadness and helplessness that i feel at how it's all playing out for him... you can't help anyone who refuses to be helped... God won't even push his help on those who are closed off to it... so how can mere humans expect to change someone...

UGH, side NOTE, i put my children all down for naps, over an hour ago... and one's crying, the other is yelling, and the third, i hear make desperate cries every so often, they're all exhausted and NOT sleeping, this makes for an incredibly long and stressful evening... UGH!!!

we had a terribly traumatic childhood and young adulthood, courtesy of my biological dad (mom didn't protect us from him, either) sooo my "family members" rage, and anger are justified, but instead of evaluating how it all shaped him, he has become self destructive... the terrible thing about white powders is that it robs you of a soul... that part of you that has a conscience when you hurt someone or an animal... the part of you that essentially FEELS... so i'm left hear, reflecting on my own usage, hearing my children, and being reminded that redemption is REAL, but only if you know you need it... and even then, where you go and get it, makes the difference between change and just a matter of time, before you go back to your old vices...

i have nothing to offer this family member, except prayer, and the hope that the spiral down, will make him call out for help up... but honestly, i'm not convinced that it's not too late... he has become the very man he despised growing up... rage, it eats you up, and you have to numb it out with something... ugh, this is alot to hear, and i'm trying not to take any of it on myself... i can't change this family of mine, and i haven't had much hope that God could either, but maybe this is the beginning.... them seeing the effects, and hopefully that family member will get the help he desperately needs... he will die (literally) without it, and as for his mind, it's already wondered in the land of obscurity... what undealt with issues leave behind... a huge gaping hole of a mess...

looking up

2007-09-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

so much continues to happen in my life... the biggest being that i'm more enticed by the idea that softness is an alluring, wonderful, powerful (if not the biggest), and evoking trait to posses... it's grandeur than having the answere, being right, and proving your point... wow, what a concept!! i have struggled with the idea.. my entire life...

what do i MEAN by soft? well, glad you asked, but i may not have the time to define... it's too brood of a subject.. a soft person has a tone, a demur, a look in their eyes, a way that they carry themselves, a way they pick the words used.... a way that they look... it's their entire being.. the softest person i know, well am getting to know... Jesus.... he had a presence that invited people to confess their short failings... can you imagine that??? these people didn't even know that they needed a God or even greater... a saviour, yet in this man's presence they recognized their need for grace... could you imagine meeting someone, soooo inviting that you would confess your greatest secret... greatest shame??? well, people did, all the time with HIM... without this grand declaration form Him... "i'm your saviour.. YOU NEED ME"... it was a fragrance He carried with Him everywhere, not because of what He did.. but because He knew who He was... and who He was not... it's too big for me to define, so i'll just share about me...

i grew up servery hurt by of all people... my parents.. in my house there where some very clear messages, and some very big subtle messages... first, i had nothing of worth to say... i wasn't worth listening to... i was hard to handle and difficult to be around...i was too emotional... and so my entire life has been about PROVING them (family) wrong... it has been a rough rode... i learned early that i had to fight for myself, that i was alone (even God seemed as helpless as i) and that being angry was WAY better than admitting to being hurt... so i have formed a very hard shell around my heart and have tried to protect myself from... ta da... feeling... it was my safest path....

but it has failed me today, and lied to me... because i don't protect myself at all...i hurt, but now bury it... and in the end, i prove all those childhood teachings true, but loose depth in my relationships... so now, i'm thinking maybe God is capable of defending me... not from pain, because people still hurt me.. but from feeling like i'm nothing... because i see when i'm not to blame... and that i'm insecure.....ugh, i hate admitting that... i like to put an image that i can verbally take anyone on... but truth be told...i'm tired, and my way hasn't been working in my relationships... so i'll elaborate on what's changing in my life, when i don't need to pee with the great urgency... plus i should be in bed.. night...

feeling so down...

2007-09-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

it's moments like these that i'm glad i have some sort of outlet... i'm feeling low.. pretty low, and i'm wanting not to... alas, that's not reason enough for me to not be low... my little girl is playing with her brother's, bob the builder toys, and making them talk to each other, and this of course is bringing in a very good ray of sunshine in my heart..

okay so here's what is going on in my life.... i have a NEED to be heard, sure, i'm sure LOTS of people do.. but i act rather, um, hostile, about it (the new word that's been used)... i'm aggressive in group settings, you should see me, i cut people off left and right.. i mean that! this little habit of mine, is a less then desirable quality and one that gets adressed almost continuously...it's disheartening to me, and i'm at this place where i just want to say... "you can't deal with me, well then FINE!! one of us will leave!!" this whole, opening your heart and being corrected thing freakin stinks... i HATE IT!!! i have no ability to change this (i've tried for years!!) and i'm trying to figure out if God is big enough to really change me!! i have no idea how it's supposed to look and frankly i'm in tears over the "honest wounds" inflicted on me, by those people who claim to love me, but can only deal with me for this amount of time... OUCH!!!

our church has some funky ways, some things get dealt with... you can tend to have a feeling that it's high school all over again... little clicks... who's in "leadership" and really you're going to find that where ever you go.. it's human nature... but i gotta tell you, being on the outter rim (in this instance)... it hurts... just plain makes you go... sheesh, ouchie, ouch, ouch... it's not so bad when you're in the "in" crowd, wich i often feel like i am.. but i forget what it's like, and am grateful for the reminder, to not be included, for whatever reasons.. valid or not... it's painful

i guess this rambling is all in an attempt to not shut my heart off to the people who claim to love me, it's a reminder to be soft in situations where i just want to scream "f.... off"... but i don't want them really to go away... and honestly i want to change, i don't want to cut people off, or cut them down with words... i want to listen and feel, instead of speak and judge... but i'm not good at it, and when i hurt, i want to hurt back...

and so if the tears flow, then the softness is winning... and if i can have my husband hear my heart and understand that this is a tough, raw place for me to be in... then i'm not so alone, and i know God's in this, which is always a reason to attack him when the wounds feel alittle too hard... uncomfortableness is the strongest reason for change... and i'm uncomfortable...

it's hard when they sleep in your room

2007-09-16T00:45:00.000-07:00

isaiah still sleeps in our room, we have a three story home, and our room is at the top... there are two rooms on the main floor that are bella and isaac's... so he hasn't gone into "sharing" his room with isaac, since he's the third child and we haven't had to go through what that might be like, it's been late in coming... but him being in OUR room, is getting old... isaiah hasn't learned that when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he simply has to go back to bed... he's learned that someone will go and address his need (give him a pacifier or bottle)... this has made uninterrupted sleep very difficult and it's draining and kinda old... i would like to move him out... but there's still this part of me that wonders if it's okay.... i struggle... and so i can hear him crying instead of sleeping, currently, and am pretty sure all he wants is a bottle, which.....isn't a need, but a habit...

i had an episode with isaac the other night... where i made a grilled cheese sandwich and was determined to MAKE him eat it... needless to say, it was a set up for a battle of wills, but i lost, ultimately, and he got a dose of mean mommy that scared him.. for no real reason... i was saddened by the experience and have resolved to not do that again... isaac eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.. i mean... ONLY pb and j..... this child of mine lives off of them, and not much else.. oh, juice and milk... and lately he must not be going through any growth cause his hunger has tapered off.. out of sheer frustration i tried to MAKE him eat a sandwich he simply would not... fear is an awful motivator to make kids behave... it is destructive in the long run (they get at an age where they are awakened to the truth that NO ONE can MAKE them do anything, then what do you have left?) and even though i KNOW this...it's amazing to me that i'll still try using it... i can give no logical reason to why the showdown had to occur, other than i am out of other methods... i've resolved to let him be, with the eating, and simply reward his sister when she eats her sandwich entirely with candy (good ole m&m's) in front of him... it is heartbreaking to him to not get them also, but he still refuses to finish his half of a sandwich... i count it as a lesson learned, and am hoping for both our sakes, that i don't repeat it...

isaiah got his bottle last night, and i put him to bed in our walk in closet which has a door that i can close on him, so that only the loudest of screams awaken me... and so, last night we slept very well...i heard him at 5:30, but i went back to sleep and eventually so did he... until 8:30... i woke up in a rested mood and that is NICE...

the weather is lousy, with rain, more rain, and wind with a dash of very cold... it reminds me of winter's in portland... nostalgic, but i'd still rather it be nice... 2 kids napping, and the third will go down in a half an hour, then i'll be napping as well, i'm tired today, which is the norm, and i'm wondering what i can do to NOT feel exhausted so much... is it my diet? ugh, whatever it is, i'm tired of being tired...

the house is quiet and i'm soaking it in... i love naps.. love them, i say.. i love alone, me time.. before the kids, there were so many times in the day where i was bored, now i welcome the silent times, that i can read or nap, or be on the computer... i have a full week of lunches with friends and activities going on and i'm looking forward to it... but for now, i'm going to go put isaiah down and nap... night

i get the privilage

2007-09-13T01:46:00.000-07:00

so i get the privilege of speaking in front of people, every so often... at my church's youth group... it's an honor really.... it's what i believe, i was made for.. i get charged, i love it!! i don't have an issue with being in front of people and speaking about God and my perspective... what i do have an issue with is listening... and that being the case, i don't feel like i should be up there, until i have a better awareness of listening...

some background.. i didn't feel seen or heard as a child... EVER... really, can't recall any moments where i felt like it was safe in my childhood home, so i'm sure that played a part into this current struggle (not an excuse)...

but i had to blog about what is going on in this church i'm going to... it is EXCITING!! so exciting, in fact, that i'm not sleeping but blogging... i'm a part of a church that is making choices, i've never seen, but only imagined... the pastor that is taking the reigns is the son of the current pastor, and he's on a whole new level, in that he's getting away from the whole "i'm pastor, i delegate all tasks" sort of thing. he's moving into uncharted and much longer for (at least for me) territory of "wait, i'm not supposed to be the HIGH and ALMIGHTY" it's supposed to be about people, it's moving into a more TEAM philosophy..... why am i so excited.. because it's not about one person, it's about people, their strengths and weaknesses, it's not about the idea that one person runs the show (why did Jesus have 12 apostles? and the trinity is...um, 3)... it is more Christlike than anything i've seen, and the idea of working as a team... is well, more challenging... i love a good, growing challenge... i believe God didn't set up a hierarchy, which is what i see in a church... and the whole "pastors don't be vulnerable at the pulpit because they have other leaders to be accountable to" .... well i don't buy it... Jesus said "hello, if i'm lying prove it, if i've been putting on a show, show me, if i've done wrong.. address it!!!" and... no one spoke... we're not Jesus, but i don't believe any man, no matter their status, is above reproach (correction).....

so now i'm a part of a youth team that's taking the first steps into this new thing, i've never seen... and quite honestly, i have this grand thought that i could run it alone...i'm glad that's not the case, but would be a liar to say those thoughts haven't crossed my mind... i'm excited about what's happening in our church, it's honest, vulnerable, and real.. and the world lack all those for guide posts...

the basics are that the current "youth director" has resigned, without leaving... he has admitted before the church, that he is burnt out... and doesn't want to do it this way anymore (where he has all the responsibility for keeping it going)... he wants to be a part of something bigger than just himself... i am a part of that team... my weaknesses are long.. super long, but i'm getting to know others and their strengths, and how listening is something i want!!! desperately, i might add...

keep you posted on what this looks like, since i have no idea, yet, but i'll let you know... night

why am i tired

2007-09-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

i am tired, i mean i feel like i'm running on low tank all day.. i don't get it...why? i have had 7 months since my last child... not breast feeding or anything... i'm not pregnant, unless depo has failed me...but i can't wait for the kids naptime, so that i can have mine... everyday... i'm not okay with this...

i'm back to scrub mode, although we'll be going to church tonight... and i will have to clean up..

i did the church thing, and even got a shower out of the day... i'm sitting here with not much to say... meaning i'm thinking of alot of things... night

2007-09-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

it has taken me over 10 minutes to just get to this page... from my home page to here... oh the rough road called patience... i've had several things to mull over lately... no, none of the three things have been eliminated so that funkiness still follows me, and now this new sense that i just want to run away... from what? good question, i'm not sure, but i've had this feeling before, it was mainly in my youth, and then when i was a teenager/early 20's, after a bad night of drinking and waking up with the reality of how terrible i behaved the night before.. but this feeling is old, and not one i've dealt with in the past several years...

isaiah's teething, and he's been a trooper, but he's been alot more demanding... poor little guy... those teeth coming in are just plain painful. bella has been complaining of pain... she squats down or freezes and says "owie, it hurts".... ugh, there's nothing worse, as a parent... seeing your baby hurt... and this is just the beginning... what will it be like watching them make choices you know will lead to pain? and knowing you can't MAKE them do anything, i mean you can scare them into obeying, but really that doesn't work in building them up to make good choices, and one day they'll realize how much they don't have to listen... then where are you at, as a parent... i don't want to be that kind of a parent.. but it's so much easier to just command, then to let them choose... i wonder about God in these moments.. what's it like for Him to watch us make choices that lead to our own pain? then we blame Him for it... at least that's how i've reacted...

speaking of which... i have been struggling with the whole idea of God... that i should trust Him, that He'll defend me, that is the current issue up for debate... you see, if you knew my past it would make more sense.. but you really don't have to, because we all can recall helpless and painful moments in our life, where really it felt like no one defended us... like this God wasn't enough... and that in a nutshell was my entire childhood... but i'm not a child anymore, and i've had alot of experiences where i saw that He helped, saved, and rescued... but inside is still this little girl that's angry.. that's convinced that He'll bail out on me.... that wonders if he's enough... and i don't know what to do to make it go away... oh, i've heard the christianese solutions, and quite frankly, they're nauseating... i want more, and i wonder if i'm ever going to get it, or if i'm being unreasonable... i don't want to be pacified, i want it to be REAL... for me anyway... honestly though, if i look at it, i haven't ever been able to defend myself, it's an illusion, i've come to believe... the results from defending myself make me hard.. and by that i mean, that i have this persona come out, that says in many ways "stay away, i'm gonna hurt you"... my words, my facial expressions, my looks... but i just end up looking on the outside and in the inside, i know and do still get hurt... clever disguise, i know, i've been doing it all my life... i'm tired

i need to shower, it's been days, and the thought of bills, it just overwhelms me... they are numerous... but for today, all my needs have been met... the sun, even came out late afternoon, after a very chilly morning... night...

a wedding to remember

2007-09-03T01:29:00.000-07:00

i'm not quite sure why i've been feeling alittle funky the past few days, but i have... i have narrowed it down to three things... a brand new, yet old vice i've picked up, that i'm rather embarrassed about, a discussion that i need to have with someone who's hurt me that i'm procrastinating, due to a feeling that i will be attacked and misunderstood, or the idea that my bestest friend is in a rough spot in her life and i may be feeling some of her stuff..... either way i don't like it! so i'm hoping to start the process of elimination this week... confront the person who's hurt me, even though i doubt i'll be heard (that's not the point, anyway).... deal with the vices... and if those are crossed off, then i will only be left with one option... my bff (i love the term)

today i got the opportunity to do a whole bride's and bride's maid's make-up... i have to say i absolutely love how it made me feel... to see all these beautiful women, dolled up, and lovely and to know that i had a hand in that... well, seriously, how much better can it get? i put on eyeshadow and liquid eyeliner and fake eyelashes for 3 hours... the most rewarding thing was their feedback... how lovely... to see women feel beautiful... a gift really, for me... and i am a critique of my own work... if i don't like it.. then i don't pretend to... if they don't feel like themselves only with a fresh light, then i haven't done well... so i work with what i feel... and today, i do believe it turned out well...

i went to the wedding tonight with toby.. i have to write about it... cause i thought it very funny (although, not as much, when i was going through it... toby and i ended up taking all of our kids with us, our babysitter and us didn't have any communication going on, and just as we were pulling out of our driveway the babysitter was pulling in... but by that point we were going to be late, the kids were already dressed and in the car.. so i thought, forget it.. we're all going, and we'll just stay very little... which is what happened... i love my kids... they didn't love the whole idea of being at a wedding, however... bella was taken out early by daddy, and isaac, slowly worked his way, in and out, a couple of times, from the lobby.... now the thing to know about my firstborn, is that first and foremost... he is SENSITIVE... when there is a large crowd... he is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do... and after acting out while the ceremony started i put him in the lobby, where his papa (toby's dad) dealt with him.. but i heard him saying "momma" so i went to see if he was alright... he was relieved to see me, and just fell in my arms ( i tear up remembering) so i thought it was safe to bring him back in the ceremony (which was in full gear, at this point) and he sat with me quietly... for about a second... then it must've dawned on him how quiet it was, because he let out a yell...i whispered in his ear to stop it...to which he yelled (equally as loud) "i'm sorry, momma", which promoted me to cover his mouth, which brought on some loud cries... i ushered him back out in the lobby... oh, the frustration... but that is just children, being children... i smile and tear up at the memory, because isaac, was just being isaac, and because i did get allot of sympathy from everyone at the wedding, with half the people not even noticing the commotion... ah motherhood, makes life such and adventure...

we did leave very early, but it was okay. toby was still feeling sick and i was glad to hear my children snoring from their bedrooms... and i got to chat with mindy.... that bff, i was referring to... okay, must sleep... nigh, night...

too much wine?

2007-09-01T01:33:00.000-07:00

ahhh, it feels so nice to be back in cyber world again. of all the things i've missed, blogging is numer one... it's late, i've had wine, and poker... and a few cigs... and i should go to bed and NOT blog... but alas, blogging is calling... i am a journaller... in our society there are the people who journal, and then there are the nots... two distinct catagories...i'm in the first... always have enjoyed seeing the reflective power... it is powerful! to look back and here your thougts, remember where you were in your life, and the thoughts that inhabited that time... and to see growth (unless you just don't do that)... and smile, cry, and reflect... i believe it's one of the most powerful things God's given humans... it makes us different from the animals... it makes us soft, real, vulnerable, and well, quite frankly.... the essence of the soul (is this the wine talking?)

i have days, weeks even where i wonder if i've grown or even changed in the last 10 years... in those moments if i'm desperate enough i can whip out something i wrote a decade ago, and realize... woah, God must be real, because not just what i DO has changed but the way i THINK has... the way i operate... the way i communicate... and the depth of me has expanded... it's one of those things that's soooo amazing that you want to make others "Get it", alas they can't, it's only yours to hold....God will have to show up in there life to do that... and He can... but a closed off heart can't hear the subtle call... and a hurt heart is too embittered to even care... it's sad... but never too late...

my day today? well, glad you asked... it was good.. i made my own recipe today... satueed (my new favorite method of cooking veggies) potatoes, onions, and grilled chicken... um, YUM!...i sprinkled some garlic salt, chives, and finished with some parmesian cheese... it was fabulous!... the day was full of snotty nosed kids, and a husband that wasn't at work (he got the sickness from the kids) and in it's simplicity, it was grande... i no longer crave the drama... i actually detest it!.. i lived the life of extremes... life showed greatness, and the pit... when the actual awareness of how aweful and unfulfilling life was, i would become desperate for change... but i would easily remidy the situation with more alcohol, cigs, and a great party or dance club... it kept me numb and alive... i still see it today, in the tabloids, in the faces of people on the street, or people i call aquantances... and i can't make them see there's this great adventure... it's called life...

my children are growing soooo fast, and i can hardly believe that i am officially "a mother of 3" (having birthed 4, my body shows it)... they are the most insightful key that i have... seeing how simple and glorious there world is... isaac played catch with me today and was more delighted than i have been about anything in months (puppy would be the last time, i was awakened to how privilaged i am to have this life i lead)... alas, isaiah calls at 1 am with his "dadddadddaa" and i must retreat to be his mommy... toby's gone this evening. (i think i can count on one hand how many times we've slept apart, and so i brought isaiah in the bed, we'll see if that was a bad idea hat makes for a LONG night...

till next time... ta, ta... cristina

drinking my 15 dollar shiraz

2007-08-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

it has been a Very long time since i've been able to get my hands on a computer... my computer and i had a passionate argument that i won, but incidentally i lost... and lost big, apparently my hard drive i shot... so i'm at the mercy of my merciless husband.. he has no compassion for my situation, since i brought the all upon myself, due to that rage that i have so often let win...

but i don't want to dwell on any of that, i have a short time... i'm sipping on a 15 dollar bottle of shiraz, and i do believe it's rather tasty. if i start sounding alittle incoherent... remember i'm drinking my shiraz

let's see, here are the highlights of the past few weeks... my dog is now potty trained, except when toby, my hot husband, calls her... she is terribly afraid of him, and now, no matter his tone, her response to his call is automatic peeing (that's what he gets for being too harsh with her!). the other night i left the kids and dog all with him, and i came home to hear that she had spent the better part of my 3 hour venture not only hiding from toby, but leaving poop trails and peeing at will.... it took me the better part of the next day to remind her... NO PEEING IN THE HOUSE..a few hours had undone my weeks of training. i am now working out... this is a huge accomplishment! and i have picked up smoking only to leave it alone again... i have vises and i'm having to separate from them again... i have been having cigars, thinking i'd be safe from cigarettes, but alas, i'm weak and completely unable to leave it alone, it actually enslaves me... in fact it's calling now... my last "little cigar".... i hate that i can't have just ONE... it sucks!

my kids are doing well... i'm just captivated by my 7 month old, isaiah. i'm not sure if it's cause he's my last one (Lord willing!) or if it's just him... but he's sooo sweet, and expressive, and cuddly and lovable, i could just eat him. my other two are going through the "mine" phase. isaac is rude, and bella is a emotional basket case most of the day... this makes for some fun times, i tell you.. you should be over at my house sometime...all i can do is laugh at some of the things said and done... toddlers are amazing, i tell you!

i'm throwing a friend's baby shower tomorrow, and all on my own i have made the most remarkable diaper cake...it is full of goodies and i'm just proud of myself... if you've never seen or heard of one, google it... there are how to's, it is a great shower center piece.... it'll be a good day... night

i'm not trying to be controversial

2007-08-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

none of my posts have really been sit down type, and done... i find that i really enjoy typing through out my day... so that means that there will be all these jumps in conversations... it's 7 am, and isaiah woke me up an hour ago... at least he's consistent... but why couldn't he love 8pm? why? i ask no one in particular

i realize that i haven't really described bella, and i will, but currently i've been thinking about something. i have this family member (we're HUGE, you'll hear the opening just like that... alot) and he's a teenager, he posted the most vile pics up on a bulletin on myspace.. it was pictures of aborted babies (or "fetuses", if you want to really detach from the reality). it was awful, yet it is what we call a "right" in our country. it is very sad to me... but i was super upset and disturbed by it... i saw no point to it. why would anyone post such haunting images? i thought and wondered... is it to add more guilt to women who already feel shame (something the pro-choice women forget to mention in their rallies)? that is NOT the way God approached the wounded... that is why it upset me, and still upsets me.. that's why when i see the pro-life supporters, i get offended that they think that they can represent ME... so i don't believe that abortion is getting rid of "tissue"... and i believe that there are women scarred with guilt and shame, from an act that was made out of desperacy. i believe that most of these women live in silence (if it's not "wrong", why would you want to hide it?). and the rest, the ones with the signs and screams for "my body, my right!!", they are soooo hard looking, soo abrasive, so cold in all they present, how they talk. hear any of these women's story and you understand how they ended up this way... but a hard heart is a tough way to live.... and it's gotta be tough to be around, at least it's been true for me... i'm moved to compassion for these women... who demonstrate to prove to the world that they're justified, that that guilt is not there. i have some personal experience in this area, so i'm not talking out of what i've never been through... at age 19, i found myself pregnant... and two days later, one of my best friends did too... we both choose different endings, but neither of us parented... today our lives are different, and i wonder, i still wonder how much that played into who we've become. but i guess the whole point was to say... shock tactics have nothing to do with changing hearts... it is to insult, rewound, and guilt the observing party. with that i don't believe it's what jesus would do, i can't find any examples of that when he was in the presence of "sinners"..... the only people who got harsh words where the "religious" people... i wonder how people miss that... and who is it that they really serve?

i cleaned and cooked all day yesterday. today i'm using it as the excuse for me to do almost nothing, cause as i sit here, i look around and there's no evidence of my cleaning... it's a pretty thankless job... i have a full day tomorrow morning and afternoon, and just thinking about it makes me tired.... birthday breakfast, farmer's market, and the fair.... me and the 3 kids... then home for naps... my sanity...

i should figure it out

2007-08-06T20:35:00.001-07:00

i really should figure out how to post pictures and just generally jazz up my little writing page here... but it requires energy, of which i feel in short supply... even having this set up wasn't my creation... so go figure.

i'm sitting here in my living room, listening to the shower upstairs and elmo playing on the tv downstairs, but the thing that has my current attention is the nasty weather outside... it is raining and the wind is atrocious with no apparent favored direction. all my patio furniture is wet and turned upside down. we just built this grand deck, this summer it was the last sort of finishing touch to our house. it goes 14 ft out... which i didn't pay attention to, until it was finished...wow, 2ft makes a difference, i tell you.... living here in alaska, a deck extends your spring/summer season, by like 2 months... but seeing this weather, i might think i was back in portland... except in portland, the sky doesn't go on forever with this spectacular view...

some background info on me... toby and i celebrate our 5th anniversary in a week... 5 years? is that right? lol... i almost didn't marry him and vise vera on numerous occasions... we dated for 10 months then eloped... wich explains alot, if you knew us... we're similar in some ways... share the same sense of humor, mostly. play in very much the same ways... we have that rare, speak to each other across the room with just a glance thing going on... i've never had that before... we both do NOT like being told what to do.. we both like his cooking... toby is the first man in my life ever to stop.. no, i mean really stop... and take notice of all that i was, and more importantly, all that i was afraid and hiding that i really was... in fact, had i not shown him my frailty and hurt and struggling to find truth self... he wouldn't have picked me... i'm pretty sure of... i was his first love... he'd been with other girls, some even thought God had told them they'd end up married... alas, he kept his heart exclusively for me.. i did not... he was my second love (trust me a regret, but then i always have had to learn the hard way... i think that has to do with my lack of trust).. we both came in with baggage, it's just my luggage is in bright colors and his is more of the natural tones... so mine stick out a bit more... and you notice mine first... things we're not the same about? movies... he loves horrors, i can't stand them... when we were dating we watched danny darko together... midway through the movie, i thought to myself "who is this guy??" toby is passive, i'm aggressive... well mostly...mixed in with ALOT of sarcasm... you should see the "disagreements" at our house..lol.... one of my favorite toby quotes? "i'm not YELLING...i'm just raising my voice!!!"... still brings a smile to my face. we have 3 beautiful kids... no. i'm serious... they're gorgeous... boy, girl, boy... and two extremely opposite dogs... a great dane, and a tiny chihuahua. some other tid bits....i had a very abusive upbringing, i am a miracle, my kids are the same order and gender that i was in growing up... oh, my house is my dream home, designed and built by toby and my hands (full of alot of 4 letter words)... and though i've been in alaska for 4 years... i've never really experienced it, yet... all the baby making has kept me from it.. but we're done now... so i want to fish, hike, camp... i want to experience this beautiful state... i was a city girl and hated this state for the first 2 years, now i can't picture ever going back to the craziness of the "lower 48"....

my dog's papers just came in...i was a bit worried that we'd overspent, again... on a dog that isn't fully registered... but she IS... so we'll breed her...lol... what a reward!! now if i could just figure out how to potty train this little dog.... night

today

2007-08-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

today i think i really wouldn't have minded if i was someone else... like a little mini vacation from my own reality... ever have those type of days? don't get me wrong, i'm living my dream... but today, i would've liked to just check out someone else's dream... things have just been overwhelming me emotionally... normally i just don't feel this raw, but that's the best way to describe it.. like some raw skin exposed all over... i just don't feel like i can defend myself. i try to get words out, and nothing coherent comes out. i'll try to make more sense here, just give me a moment... the other day i had two discussions with two different friends concerning things that i've done to hurt them... they're not this one moment "really not like you" things, rather they're ways that i normally behave that just are destructive to healthy relationships... here's a trait, my husband described to me in a way that helped me notice the behavior... he said "honey, even when you agree with someone, you start of with this argumentative tone and say word like "but".... "and i agree with him... i believe i do... it's as if no one can take away my idea.. if i don't say it, somehow i can't cope.. it's strange, but i don't want to continue to make it difficult for people to see who i REALLY am... and so i've decided to ask God, whom i have regular conversations with, to change me...

now i'm a skeptic when it comes to things i can't see... i've watched people miss use God's name often in my life, and so i tread lightly in the arena of things i know... but there are truths that come from my experiences that make me believe... it's this amazing thing, no one can take from me, and really i can't give to anyone else... i can only share and hope that maybe the reader is curious enough to challenge God himself. at any rate, the bible talks about having this companion, the holy spirit, and how he lives in the depths of a believer (this is too profound for me to comprehend, but i believe) and that this companion helps us become more like Christ, if we allow Him... so i've heard all this for a long time.. but i want to KNOW what that looks like.... so what do i do? how do i tap into this life changing thing? and so this prayer of mine is being answered in a much difficult way... change of any kind is very hard for me and habits are hard to let go of.. but not feeling capable of verbally defending myself (if you knew me, you'd agree) is a fleet that only God could do. so though i welcome the evidence of a softer women emerging.. the process doesn't thrill me. and the evidence of the rawness is that if anyone says anything to me in the slightest variation of tone, i'm left wondering what they mean? did they mean to say that mean thing about me? it doesn't help that i'm surround by sarcastic, passive aggressive people... but they're not to blame, i'm just emotionally naked for the moment

the kids are all down, as they should be... isaac weaseled his way into an extra hour.. he knows how to lay low...bella hasn't caught on. i read them a book tonight...it's been months since i've done that, since before isaiah... man, having a child, no matter how prepared you are, just tosses your world upside down for a long time. i thought i had it all down and wasn't expecting the adjustment to be so grey for so long... speaking of isaiah, i spent most of the day with just him. i'm starting to feel this immense bond with him. he's different than the other two... his temperament, his disposition. yes, all children are different and unique, but there are some things about isaiah that i haven't come across yet. he has these traits that leave me shaking my head and smiling... if you met him, you'd think he was the sweetest little guy (i feel that, and am often told by random people, that he has a very gentle and sweet spirit) you could ever meet.. he's laid back, laughs quite easily, loves touch, and will look you straight and deep in the eyes (can't hide much that way). in the laid back way, i've never had a child like that... it's a new thing to me.. so with this trait, which he's had from conception... i just figured and expected that things with him would go smooth and easy... they haven't! and it's not been since recently that i've noticed the other side of isaiah... he's going to be a GREAT man! he equally has a very strong drive. if he wants something, he is fixated on getting it... he can't easily be distracted. i put him in a walker a few weeks ago for the first time. he now can maneuver that thing like a pro. i mean he can go in rooms (my other two weren't doing this for a long time). if i stick toys out of reach he works at getting them... isaac would try once, then loose it.. bella tried a few times... isaiah will work and work and work and get the toy... his focus and drive are such a unique quality to have with being laid back and easy going.... this is going to be one fun child to see grow up. he reminds me of his daddy, in alot of ways. toby can get along with just about anyone... like isaiah, and actually like his dad, mark... there's this cool duo thing going on with lion/lamb personality... at any rate, i really, really am glad we had him... he's what we all needed...

i'm covered in POOP!

2007-08-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

in my home, there is currently an abundance of poop that i, and only i, get the disgusting responsibility to clean... i am realizing that this whole potty training fiasco is not something i understand and i feel like a total failure at it! i am constantly cleaning after 3 kids, and now a little dog, and no matter my resolve, the dog refuses to go on the pee pads (they're scented to help her know, yah right!) and the kids can spend hours (bella was on the toilet for over a half and hour last night..) and nothing.... it's maddening! the only one who has a free-bee is my 6 month old, he's doing fine, no need to potty train just yet. but isaac and bella are perfectly capable of conquering this mighty stage, except that i realize that it really takes ALOT of patience (this is not an area of strength). last night bella was on the potty, isaiah was needing to be put to bed (something that requires a bottle in silence first, upstairs in my room, which is his also until he moves into his brothers), isaac needed to finish his dinner, and then there's maya who needs constant watching, cause as soon as i don't, she's pooping or peeing all over my house!! so really i didn't have the patience to sit and coax bella to poop... after over a half an hour, i was done with patience and put her diaper on with some HUGE protest from her. i'm not sure how long i can keep doing this diaper thing, but the alternative sounds exhausting, and messy.

now the dog... my poor little chi is, for some unknown reason to me, refusing to catch on to the pee-pads. she came potty trained on them, so i don't get it... i'll set her on them and she won't go, but a second later i catch her on the carpet (if i'm lucky i catch her, usually it's too late)... oh i get soooo frustrated with her... any help would be appreciated... i now have her leash tied really short and a pee-pad below, and she HATES it.. but that's where i know she has no other option, but the pee pad... she went this morning, but two hours later, it's on my floor... grrr.... my cousin said something encouraging "she'll never be potty trained, she's a small dog", ugh, i sure hope she's wrong...

i'm tired today... which is completely normal... isaiah woke up at 5:30 am. i dream about the day when it will no longer be this way. i hear about enjoying all stages cause it goes too fast, but it's hard to be present with sleep deprivation looming around you. i wake up and do a countdown till he goes back down, then i say a prayer "please let him sleep longer than an hour" and usually the prayer is denied. on the wonderful plus side... isaiah now naps... sure it's only an hour most of the time... he's only slept ONCE longer than two hours...it was a miracle.. but at least i'm not playing the roll over game with him, and he now understands the concept... it's wonderful, freeing, and the most glorious event to happen to my life... he is the sweetest baby... he really is a joy. he has always locked into people's eyes, when he is up... it's very intimate. he has these great eyebrows that show all this expression going on... i love them. his eyes are grey, i'm not positive that they'll stay but they haven't changed in the past couple of months so i'm thinking that they're staying... they are grey with just alittle burst of brown... i now have a brown eyed, blue eyed, and technically i believe it's "hazel" that isaiah would fall into. i'm grateful, and i look into them with the evidence that God gives us what we ask, even when we only whisper it in our minds...

isaac was being rude today... when i told him he couldn't turn off the light to his room, he told me "no momma..." and some further gibber gabber, he still does that. I picked him up and stuck him in his crib for a time out... explaining that he couldn't talk to me like that and that when he was ready to be nice, i'd come and get him out. meanwhile his sister was in a time out for screaming... isaac didn't freak out too long and after i felt like he was calm i went in to get him... he was in my arms, i was hugging him as he whispered... "i'm sorry momma, so sorry".... okay so i teared up... and told him it was okay... moments like that charge me... they energize me.. and show me the heart of my child. at 3 isaac has always been particular... he's very sensitive to his surroundings and environment. he thrives on predictability and will show you what he thinks about change. isaac is consistent... i'll tell you that. he was colicky born 5 days late, and induced... he looked like a little tomato. read all over and 8 pounds 9 ounces (bella was the same weight). he slept with me the first night in the hospital... well i don't know if that's considered sleep, but i remember feeling like i'd gotten away with something, cause he was in my bed (rules say baby stays in the petri dish..). when i had isaac and that whole transition from "being pregnant" to "being mom" happened it was too surreal, way strange, and i kept expecting someone to come and take him away from me, declaring that there had been some sort of a mistake. after a few days of this whole mother deal, i started praying that that person would come. he didn't sleep longer than an hour, straight from the beginning. when he was awake, he was miserable... constantly crying. i mean when he was up, he was crying... i'd pace the floor, stick him in a swing, bijorn, or stroller, but no matter what i did, he cried... i resented him and loved him immensely, almost equally... it was hard. i cried all the time. i'm not sure if it was post partum depression or lack of sleep (maybe both) but i cried all the time... and not just tears here and there, it felt uncontrollable, so i'd just let the tears roll (something i spent my entire childhood, bottling up). it was really hard to let them... we lived with my in-laws and i'm convinced that was the only reason i survived (or isaac, for that matter). i would get a couple of hours to sleep in a row in the morning... when i could pass isaac off. at 4 months he started to finally sleep longer than 1 hour stretches at night.. and 20 minutes during the day... and he turned out to be the best sleeper... but isaac was never really portable. if i missed his nap time, he made me pay for it... if he got new food, he would refuse it... if there was new people around or lots of noise, he'd cry... that made things difficult but also easy, IF i stuck to the routine... i'm starting to wonder how much of who we are is genetics vs environment... that whole psychological debate.. nature vs. nurture... i put alot more in environment, but maybe there's a balance... and i'm starting to see some similarities with isaac and i... maybe i like things to be predictable too.. i don't do too well with change (it's been hours later, i had to stop and put the computer away, now i'm on my way to bed)...

it's been a long day... isaac and bella are at nana's, isaiah is asleep in our bedroom... and i'm typing away, wondering why i don't feel exhausted? my mind is racing with thoughts of all the things i should've said, and maybe some stuff that i should have held in... i work like that.. i have discussions play out and sometimes haunt me... which is a good indicator to me that maybe i should discuss the matter with the other person to better hear their heart... that gets clouded with me "what where they thinking??" judgments..

i had a family member call me up the other day and make a "suggestion"... the suggestion? give my new puppy away to another family member... unless, of course i had some issue with this... at the time i was stunned (i tend to talk and talk instead of just be silent, when i'm uncomfortable)... so i explained that i liked my dog and the whole family was attached to her... i actually explained myself.. and defended my desire to keep my birthday present... wondering if i was somehow being "greedy"... days later, i'm wondering, what happened??? why didn't i find the request absurd? like i do now... why didn't i ask.. "how could you ask that of me?"... i'll tell you why, because i felt intimidated and cornered, and because the family member has had some terrible losses and i didn't want to add any sort of pain to her life... but i don't feel like i really address the strange request properly... the idea of another dog has come and gone, leaving me to wonder if only my dog would do... i'm still baffled, and am tired of playing a conversation that hasn't been in my head..

there's a couple of other things swirling around.. but i want to sleep more than work on issues i can not... maya is sleeping next to me.. i envy her...

my ramblings are done... what did i start with? poop? oh i changed 5 poopy diapers and cleaned up 2 poops from the dog... just another normal day.... till next time

what's this about?

2007-07-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

have you ever had those days where this um, indescribable, really icky feeling swoops in... you hear the word "anxiety" used to describe it, and i guess that's what i'm experiencing, but at any rate, i like to describe it myself... i do believe the pot of coffee i had, has indeed increased my odds of getting this feeling... all my kids are napping (a complete first!!!) and instead of joining them, i'm left wondering... what's going on? in the event of this type of feeling coming around, i always try to stop and examine, a task i don't believe anyone can really do well without going to your Creator... i'm not a believer of the "whatever you want to believe is good" or "good people go to heaven", type deals, i don't believe in relativity when it comes to how to live ones life... it's a complete hocus pocus act that's set up to appears everyone, and frankly that's a recipe for dim living... okay with that... i've been sitting here trying to figure out what the deal is... is it our finances? (oh, if you only knew how insane all the debt we have is... that is overwhelming), and i'm wondering if it's one of my relationships with a friend that's been very strange for the past few months, she's been snappy and catty, with me, which is unlike her, but then i'm wondering if it's more her, than either of us really know... that will be addressed today, and though i do confront (and get confronted) regularly, it's never something i look forward to and face because i know the results are better than things left unsaid. those are the only two things that it could be... at any rate, i describe the feeling as an actually physical unpleasant sensation... which comes with heart racing, and a strong desire in me to find my skin's zipper so i can unzip and get the heck out.

did you know that the number one medical issue in our nation is not heart disease, not aids, not poverty (in terms of financial energy)...it's ta da... anxiety... it's what is the most booming and highest in terms of $$$.... i heard that several years ago in my abnormal psych class... that it is the number one "issue" that plagues our medical system... and it makes sense.... i must admit, i do not like this feeling, and i'm not sure how i would handle having it follow me around all the time... because it's like my body's all reved up... ready for fight or flight... it's acting like there's some sort of danger around, and of course, there is NOT.... i'm thinking it'll go away this evening, until i have to deal with another person who wants money from us or another stupid, preventable overdrawn notice... ugh, don't even want to go there...or maybe when i chat with my friend this evening, things will settle in my stomach...till then God and i have chats about it... i actually have a vivid memory of having a panic attack at the age of 11, i'm not sure if it was my first, with my childhood, i highly doubt it.. but it was one of the most intense, and i wonder what the memory has for me to still examine... i think that sometimes taking those "quick fix" drugs to make the feelings go away (i want some, now, please) is a way of masking something that obviously needs to be unmasked, and without your creator showing you, really how else are you going to be able to understand? the One who wrote the instruction manual... isaiah calls...

i'll let you know how this whole anxiety ends....

oh the blessed crib

2007-07-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

i have now begun to allow that precious 6 month old to just cry... which he does, he cries and cries in his crib... i go to the basement, where i can't hear him and get that needed break and most importantly... SLEEP... i've been allowing him to cry for the past two days, and i'm just amazed at how different i feel... i feel way more rested, more sane, i actually have feelings of warmth and love toward isaiah.... i'm much nicer, in general.... he's upstairs right now, not sleeping, but i had an hour nap, so i'm okay.... he woke up last night at 4:45 am and decided that that was a perfect time to start his day... um, nope, i dreadfully though.. but i fed him, changed him and then stuck him in his newborn bassinet and let him scream, or whatever else he wanted to do, because i was going to go back to bed... the bassinet is in our walk in closet soooo i could barely hear him... i woke up at 8 am, feeling tired, but okay... this is working! i've never had a child fight sleep so hard or long, it's really sad... he's tired and rubbing his eyes and yawning, but would rather sleep than take the sleep that his body obviously needs.... but i'm not resentful or grasping for some sanity anymore, well at least not lately... i've let go of that guilt other mommies can lay on you ("you let him cry HOW long??"), yah, just shut up! life seems more hopeful now..

my sister in law dropped off her 4 kids and so i had a full house here, with 7 kids and one dog... they're all very kind, sweet kids, so it was easy, it's my kids i worry about. isaac and bella are some super mean kids, and together, i've actually seen them bully... it's awful! i think it comes with being so close. today i actually had my 2 year old tatle tale, i was alittle bit surprise... "momma" bella said "yes, what happened?" i answered as she came whining up the stairs "ikick, he's not being nice" she diligently informs me... um, wow, i thought i still had a couple of years before we entered the "mom, deliver equality and justice, evenly" demands. bella is just very verbal... she's more verbal and uses sentences so clearly, i'm left in wonder alot... i guess it's the "gift" God's given her...just like her mommy... "mommy" she told me yesterday "i tired".... that's sweet music to mommy's ears... well, the boys have obviously NOT napped today, but i will hold on to an hour of free time, and leave them to their cribs... oh the blessed cribs... amen

my limits

2007-07-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

i suppose that everyone has limits. in what? well, in everything... a limit in their ability to love, help, support... and stay sane... which is a limit i have hit the past few days repeatedly... thank you isaiah... my 6 month old son does NOT sleep... i supposed this is God's cruel way of showing me some of my judgmental stuff... because when I'd hear parents say "oh my son/daughter doesn't sleep"...I'd secretly wince inside and think "that's because YOU give them the option"... my son has now successfully humbled me... you see it was a struggle with isaac to get him to sleep but that was nothing compared to this nightmarish hell... in fact as i type away, isaiah is screaming and I'm trying oh so hard to not loose control... my body is tense, i can feel my muscles completely tighten and my jaw clenched....and I'm thinking WTF??? he has been up since 6 am, thanks to my stupid great dane, who i wanted to murder this morning because he woke us up by howling (apparently it was due to a nightmare) while he was sleeping... whatever, i thought... wasgo, the great dane, deserves to DIE!! Alas, he wasn't killed and isaiah did wake up, so i got to get up at 6 am, with alot of 4 letter words and did "chores" until 7:30 am, at which time, i prayed isaiah would go back to bed. he did until 9am.

i got up and busied the day away with the kids. we made pictures, hung up plates with moon and stars and built a paper rocket ship to blast off in our created "outer space" and then we had all 4 of my kid's cousins come over and we had lunch with them... isaiah napped at noon till 1:20 and at 2 the whole crowd left and isaac and bella were down for their naps. isaiah and i hung out till about 4, after which i put him back down. here's the thing that has me completely baffled with isaiah... he's the most mellow, laid back , sweet natured personality out of my lot, by FAR... so i naturally thought that that applied to him generally. but what i now realize is that he definitely has the strongest will out of the lot... which contradicts all my suspensions about him.. it's strange, if he wants something, or doesn't, for that matter...watch out!!! but i realized after several times of going and rolling him over and sticking that damn plug back in, that this was a game i didn't want to play, we've been playing it for about two months and i am getting psycho. so i reasoned that i should take a "mommy time out" and went to my basement and took a MUCH needed nap for an hour... isaiah cried the whole time, by the looks of him when i finally went to get him out and though i genially felt bad for him, i wasn't worn out, or upset, or emotionally unstable. i came to the unlikely conclusion that i took care of myself, even though i can litterally hear the complaints directed "how could you let your baby cry for an hour??" and normally i'd somewhat hear.... except that if you can say that...well you've never had an isaiah. so to all those mother's who try to get those naps in but simply have an isaiah... I'm so sorry for thinking it was you and judging... forgive me! now can you please change isaiah please, God? or will he have to cry every day for an hour so i can get a nap in? either way i realized today that my sanity is worth it more than the guilt other mother's put on me...why? because they don't know how difficult this has been for me.. and really, honestly, they don't have to.

my house is quiet now, except for the tapping of the computer keys. i'm going to be in bed at an early hour tonight, i have my little maya next to me. i lead a very rich and fullfilling life. i like being me and am more comfortable in my skin after 3 kids with excess still left to loose, than i ever was when i was 21 with a tight, small body and shallow existance..... i have depth, meaning, and purpose... i actually know who i am, and who i'm not... this is sweet revenge

i'll explain next time...

not it

2007-07-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

toby and i play this game with our 6 month old, isaiah, but i do believe it feels like it's him, who desires to play the game with us... the game is simple in it's exicution, but it evokes sheer madness in toby and i... isaiah, who loves sleeping on his stomach, will now roll over on his back (a position that he obviously despises, yet feels compelled to move to, like some crack addiction) and scream with increased intensity of his discontent... so one of us goes up two flights of stairs to roll him back over and stick the plug back in his mouth (pacifier)... the game can go on for hours, litterally... and the resentment builds in toby and i with great stregnth.. it is now my turn to go upstairs, and so i've payed my due... so that i can now utter to my husband... "honey...not it"

Isaiah is the third and very positively LAST child that we will have! (at least biologically anyway, i can forsee some insane posibility of adoption in the very distant future). He's a very sweet soul, that's the best way i can describe him... and if he had been my first born, and an only child, he'd be perfect. He thrives on one on one, but he's number three, so that's not available to him very often... and to be brutally honest, he is the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, that makes it all just a bit too much. I have been pregnant almost none stop, for the past 3 years... and to look at me, you'd wonder if i still am (UGH! for those hollywood stars who get surgery and LIE!!). i'm spread really thin throughout the day... not much of mommy to go around. i have isaac, 3years, and bella, 2years, isaiah, 6 months, and now a little chilhuahua makes 4... she's very much competing for my time and affection ( i named her maya. that's pronounced with and i). i'm not quite sure how other mother's do this thing called "raising kids", but i do it with fear and trembling, and a whole lotta prayer... with the general prayer being "lord, let me not be the main reason for any therapy needs in the future"

I felt very ill prepared to be a mother, but my strong desire for it out weighed any fear... i didn't have the greatest role model and so i felt very blind going in... but eager! i'm not sure that those are the greatest combos. whenever i hear praises about my mothering, i hesitate to take any of it in, cause really, the jury's still out! when they're like 19-21, we'll see more clearly, i want to say, but usually i don't. aside from the lack of role model in my life, i really got irked when i became a mother and realized how HARD it was.... i mean super duper incredibly HARD it is day in and out... i scanned all my memories of how mothers answered the question "so how is motherhood" and was simply disgusted that none of them ever stated how hard it is... have i mentioned that i find motherhood hard?

here's what i never heard... that you can have such insane desires to hurt your child that you litterally have to take a time out, or walk out of the room, into a romote part of the house where you can't hear the crying and breath... that their is complete joy and relief at times, when you hand over your bundle of sleepless nights to someone else to care for, and a strong desire to not get him back for a day or two... that when you wake up at night every hour on the hour, you do indeed go nuts... images of tossing the screaming child out the window and against the wall are not uncommon. and that guilt and shame are all a part of a day's parenting. i never really heard alot of that growing up or in my young adulthood as aquaintances began procreating. i would simply hear "oh it's wonderful" "it's great", or the most irritating, in hindsight "it's hard, but so wonderful, i don't even mind waking up at night for her/him"....uh, huh! that last statement was always said with a smile, and "hard" was this gracious, and wonderful sounding word. with isaac when people would inquire i would answere "oh, i have moments where i just want to smother him for another hours worth of sleep"... ghast, shock, horror would appear on their faces and i usually didn't even have the energy to explain myself... i needed sleep.

when isaac was 3 months old, i got off birth control. it really wasn't ideal for me (trust me, you don't want details) and so, knowing that we wanted our kids close in age, we figured, what are the odds we'll get pregnant right away... again? the answere came back %100, in a couple of weeks. I was obsessed with having a girl, and God in his graciousness gave me bella. She was nothing like isaac, she slept!! i mean she slept alot... i had a few moments of hostility with her, but they were nothing like with my colicky first born... so i drew on memories of her newborn stage when getting pregnant a third time... it was the wrong impression, and i'm still wondering how i got two difficult boys? let me restate that... they aren't difficult, they have provided me with the most opportunity to grow... i'm constantly faced with my own anger, and lack of control, and have the choice to respond to them in a way that wounds or not. it's constant. and i fail more often than i would care to admit.

so the isaiah's game ended a half and hour ago... it's silly cause he has the ability to roll back over, but hasn't quite caught on, it's a matter of time, i'm praying. in the mean time, i have to take deep breaths and try not to loose it... we'll see how this ends... till next time

at some point it's everyone's "first time"

2007-07-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

So this is my "first time"...one of my dearest girlfriends AG set this up for me as a thirtieth birthday gift... that's right, 3 0!!! Growing up i hated hearing the lame "I can't believe how fast time goes" stories from old people...in my world, time was dragging it's feet, cause i could hardly wait till i was older (of course growing up in an abusive home made for a greater "hurry up" wish)... alas all those "old" people of my youth were and are right... it really does go by rather quickly. Now that i'm old, i do believe that i rather like it! I have this strong inkling that my 30's will be the highlight of the life I live, and i find that wisdom is MUCH better than the appearance of youth (tight ass and firm, well you get the picture). Hollywood has it all backwords and maybe what God had to say was rather profound (His priorities seem to be the opposite of what is all over the magizines). but that's a whole nother blog... i must apologize for my creative spelling, though... as for writing, well it's pretty much how i talk... i happen to like that about my writing... i don't turn into someone else, nor am i better at communicating... i still get misunderstood or read back and think, boy that was a bit too opinionated...

naptime is about to end for me, and isaac (my first born, he's 3) it really never began... he simply hung out in his crib (something i'm not transitioning him out of till he's 18 i've decided)and sang ol mc donald's (in word he only can possibly understand), waved his little american flag around that he got at the parade this morning, Pooped (oh yah, i had to change it!), and whatever else was graciously hidden from me... i have resolved to leave him in his cage, i mean crib, untill 5 pm, so that i can get charged with sanity, of wich i'm always in sort supply... i am suspisious that isaiah is awake, my 6 month old.... and know that isabella (aka bella) is still asleep.... yep, my husband and i got hung up on the "isa" names... there's a story to that, but maybe some other day... our newest addition to the household is my little chiluahuaha (i looked that up for correct spelling ;). She's all brown, a whole 2 pounds, and won't get more than 4 pounds or so.... she's all brown and i'm learning at the age of 30, what it is to have that childhood "i want a dog", wish fullfilled... thanks to my husband... truth be told though, i seriously thought "another creature to clean POOP from???!!!" when he came with her in his hand to suprise me... "oh well, the timing could've been better, but i'll take it whenever i can have it"... my husband is just that amazing (you'll read alot about him)...

with that i bid the blog farewell... till next time