updates

it's been a while since i have sat in silence... never mind that isaiah's upstairs screaming instead of sleeping... he took a 45 minute nap this morning (ggrrrr) and now has taken a half hour nap... thinking it's time to wake up... um, nooo.... so if he screams the next hour away instead of sleeping, so be it... i'm tired and drained, and operating off reserves... i need the next hour to try to gain some stability in me... out of all my children, isaiah has been the worst napper, ever... i don't understand it! he hasn't learned to put himself back to bed... and i wonder how much is temperament related... when he wakes up, he's just too stubborn to go back to bed... it's been a nightmare... some ground has been gained, where he has days where he'll take two decent naps... today isn't one of those... and so i'm in the basement floor, far away from being able to hear his protests... and i think i'm going to be needing one of those naps, myself... the house is quiet besides that... isaac has now learned how to climb out of his crib, which he does now, instead of sleep... alas, it's time to move him into the toddler bed we have for him... it's alittle car bed, and i think he'll love it... but once he sees isaiah in HIS crib, the feels will be mixed... the task of switching the boys and bella's room is great and i'm procrastinating it... bella, is the only one that still takes a good nap... and that's hard when i have three to deal with... in fact it's all challenging at this point...

speaking of which... my husband and i have a consultation to do something permanent for birth control... yes, that's right... no more babies... i went through a week of mourning over this decision but i'm all better now... the idea makes me feel relieved and almost giddy... we're done... i'm sure i'll cycle through the gamut of emotions, but i'm done!...

it's been a rough couple of weeks for me emotionally... alot of feelings are being stirred up by a few different events... one is that i called my mother in pdx, and was able to hear some truth about what's going on in her life.. and see her make some good choices.... and i called her this week, expecting to hear that things were fine, but instead i was pleasantly surprised to hear she's following through her decision to sell her business and get a regular job... she currently has a home for elderly which allows her no freedoms, as the residence need 24-7 care... on top of that, i had a discussion with an elder from my church that headed in an unexpected direction... he said that he wanted to be in a "father" type place in my heart... i've known him for many years now... and the mere mention caused alot of pain to flood back to my life... i'd given up on ever having a father, and the word still is unsettling to me... that anyone would see the need in me and want to address it, is quiet humbling...

i'm tired and so i will nap... while i can.. isaiah woke up at 12:30 am, 4:30 am, 5:30 am, 7 am.. and i finally got him due to terribly sad crying... he mouths, mum mum ma.... when he's upset... it makes me feel even more urgency since it feels like he's calling me...... when he's happy he babbles du du da.... go figure