looking up

so much continues to happen in my life... the biggest being that i'm more enticed by the idea that softness is an alluring, wonderful, powerful (if not the biggest), and evoking trait to posses... it's grandeur than having the answere, being right, and proving your point... wow, what a concept!! i have struggled with the idea.. my entire life...

what do i MEAN by soft? well, glad you asked, but i may not have the time to define... it's too brood of a subject.. a soft person has a tone, a demur, a look in their eyes, a way that they carry themselves, a way they pick the words used.... a way that they look... it's their entire being.. the softest person i know, well am getting to know... Jesus.... he had a presence that invited people to confess their short failings... can you imagine that??? these people didn't even know that they needed a God or even greater... a saviour, yet in this man's presence they recognized their need for grace... could you imagine meeting someone, soooo inviting that you would confess your greatest secret... greatest shame??? well, people did, all the time with HIM... without this grand declaration form Him... "i'm your saviour.. YOU NEED ME"... it was a fragrance He carried with Him everywhere, not because of what He did.. but because He knew who He was... and who He was not... it's too big for me to define, so i'll just share about me...

i grew up servery hurt by of all people... my parents.. in my house there where some very clear messages, and some very big subtle messages... first, i had nothing of worth to say... i wasn't worth listening to... i was hard to handle and difficult to be around...i was too emotional... and so my entire life has been about PROVING them (family) wrong... it has been a rough rode... i learned early that i had to fight for myself, that i was alone (even God seemed as helpless as i) and that being angry was WAY better than admitting to being hurt... so i have formed a very hard shell around my heart and have tried to protect myself from... ta da... feeling... it was my safest path....

but it has failed me today, and lied to me... because i don't protect myself at all...i hurt, but now bury it... and in the end, i prove all those childhood teachings true, but loose depth in my relationships... so now, i'm thinking maybe God is capable of defending me... not from pain, because people still hurt me.. but from feeling like i'm nothing... because i see when i'm not to blame... and that i'm insecure.....ugh, i hate admitting that... i like to put an image that i can verbally take anyone on... but truth be told...i'm tired, and my way hasn't been working in my relationships... so i'll elaborate on what's changing in my life, when i don't need to pee with the great urgency... plus i should be in bed.. night...