i get the privilage

so i get the privilege of speaking in front of people, every so often... at my church's youth group... it's an honor really.... it's what i believe, i was made for.. i get charged, i love it!! i don't have an issue with being in front of people and speaking about God and my perspective... what i do have an issue with is listening... and that being the case, i don't feel like i should be up there, until i have a better awareness of listening...

some background.. i didn't feel seen or heard as a child... EVER... really, can't recall any moments where i felt like it was safe in my childhood home, so i'm sure that played a part into this current struggle (not an excuse)...

but i had to blog about what is going on in this church i'm going to... it is EXCITING!! so exciting, in fact, that i'm not sleeping but blogging... i'm a part of a church that is making choices, i've never seen, but only imagined... the pastor that is taking the reigns is the son of the current pastor, and he's on a whole new level, in that he's getting away from the whole "i'm pastor, i delegate all tasks" sort of thing. he's moving into uncharted and much longer for (at least for me) territory of "wait, i'm not supposed to be the HIGH and ALMIGHTY" it's supposed to be about people, it's moving into a more TEAM philosophy..... why am i so excited.. because it's not about one person, it's about people, their strengths and weaknesses, it's not about the idea that one person runs the show (why did Jesus have 12 apostles? and the trinity is...um, 3)... it is more Christlike than anything i've seen, and the idea of working as a team... is well, more challenging... i love a good, growing challenge... i believe God didn't set up a hierarchy, which is what i see in a church... and the whole "pastors don't be vulnerable at the pulpit because they have other leaders to be accountable to" .... well i don't buy it... Jesus said "hello, if i'm lying prove it, if i've been putting on a show, show me, if i've done wrong.. address it!!!" and... no one spoke... we're not Jesus, but i don't believe any man, no matter their status, is above reproach (correction).....

so now i'm a part of a youth team that's taking the first steps into this new thing, i've never seen... and quite honestly, i have this grand thought that i could run it alone...i'm glad that's not the case, but would be a liar to say those thoughts haven't crossed my mind... i'm excited about what's happening in our church, it's honest, vulnerable, and real.. and the world lack all those for guide posts...

the basics are that the current "youth director" has resigned, without leaving... he has admitted before the church, that he is burnt out... and doesn't want to do it this way anymore (where he has all the responsibility for keeping it going)... he wants to be a part of something bigger than just himself... i am a part of that team... my weaknesses are long.. super long, but i'm getting to know others and their strengths, and how listening is something i want!!! desperately, i might add...

keep you posted on what this looks like, since i have no idea, yet, but i'll let you know... night