feeling so down...

it's moments like these that i'm glad i have some sort of outlet... i'm feeling low.. pretty low, and i'm wanting not to... alas, that's not reason enough for me to not be low... my little girl is playing with her brother's, bob the builder toys, and making them talk to each other, and this of course is bringing in a very good ray of sunshine in my heart..

okay so here's what is going on in my life.... i have a NEED to be heard, sure, i'm sure LOTS of people do.. but i act rather, um, hostile, about it (the new word that's been used)... i'm aggressive in group settings, you should see me, i cut people off left and right.. i mean that! this little habit of mine, is a less then desirable quality and one that gets adressed almost continuously...it's disheartening to me, and i'm at this place where i just want to say... "you can't deal with me, well then FINE!! one of us will leave!!" this whole, opening your heart and being corrected thing freakin stinks... i HATE IT!!! i have no ability to change this (i've tried for years!!) and i'm trying to figure out if God is big enough to really change me!! i have no idea how it's supposed to look and frankly i'm in tears over the "honest wounds" inflicted on me, by those people who claim to love me, but can only deal with me for this amount of time... OUCH!!!

our church has some funky ways, some things get dealt with... you can tend to have a feeling that it's high school all over again... little clicks... who's in "leadership" and really you're going to find that where ever you go.. it's human nature... but i gotta tell you, being on the outter rim (in this instance)... it hurts... just plain makes you go... sheesh, ouchie, ouch, ouch... it's not so bad when you're in the "in" crowd, wich i often feel like i am.. but i forget what it's like, and am grateful for the reminder, to not be included, for whatever reasons.. valid or not... it's painful

i guess this rambling is all in an attempt to not shut my heart off to the people who claim to love me, it's a reminder to be soft in situations where i just want to scream "f.... off"... but i don't want them really to go away... and honestly i want to change, i don't want to cut people off, or cut them down with words... i want to listen and feel, instead of speak and judge... but i'm not good at it, and when i hurt, i want to hurt back...

and so if the tears flow, then the softness is winning... and if i can have my husband hear my heart and understand that this is a tough, raw place for me to be in... then i'm not so alone, and i know God's in this, which is always a reason to attack him when the wounds feel alittle too hard... uncomfortableness is the strongest reason for change... and i'm uncomfortable...