drugs...

most of us have had a time in our life, where we made less than productive decisions... i'm going to share some of mine... all through my teenage years and up until my early 20's... i used ALOT of drugs, the illegal ones made by a street pharmacist, not the kind you pick up on prescription... so in alot of sense, it takes one to know one, type deals, has resulted... i can spot a user a mile away, and the sad thing is that our society deems only "junkie" looking people who are merely a few inches away from rock bottom, as addicts... when in fact there are plenty of celebrities who strike me as complete addicts (sorry girls, alot of those skinny models/actresses aren't that way because they "exercise, and eat healthy"... merely a lie), but that's beside my current point....

one of my family members is well on his road to that bottomless place of insanity and chaos... the kind only white powders bring to your world... and i'm struck by the sadness and helplessness that i feel at how it's all playing out for him... you can't help anyone who refuses to be helped... God won't even push his help on those who are closed off to it... so how can mere humans expect to change someone...

UGH, side NOTE, i put my children all down for naps, over an hour ago... and one's crying, the other is yelling, and the third, i hear make desperate cries every so often, they're all exhausted and NOT sleeping, this makes for an incredibly long and stressful evening... UGH!!!

we had a terribly traumatic childhood and young adulthood, courtesy of my biological dad (mom didn't protect us from him, either) sooo my "family members" rage, and anger are justified, but instead of evaluating how it all shaped him, he has become self destructive... the terrible thing about white powders is that it robs you of a soul... that part of you that has a conscience when you hurt someone or an animal... the part of you that essentially FEELS... so i'm left hear, reflecting on my own usage, hearing my children, and being reminded that redemption is REAL, but only if you know you need it... and even then, where you go and get it, makes the difference between change and just a matter of time, before you go back to your old vices...

i have nothing to offer this family member, except prayer, and the hope that the spiral down, will make him call out for help up... but honestly, i'm not convinced that it's not too late... he has become the very man he despised growing up... rage, it eats you up, and you have to numb it out with something... ugh, this is alot to hear, and i'm trying not to take any of it on myself... i can't change this family of mine, and i haven't had much hope that God could either, but maybe this is the beginning.... them seeing the effects, and hopefully that family member will get the help he desperately needs... he will die (literally) without it, and as for his mind, it's already wondered in the land of obscurity... what undealt with issues leave behind... a huge gaping hole of a mess...