does life really have to be this messy?

i cannot describe and rather do NOT want to describe the current state of my house.. it is a mess.. and i find that i cycle in this alot with the three kids... where i finally feel peace in my own home because what i see reflects the state of my being... only to turn around after hours of cleaning and see it vanish in the amount of 20 minutes... it's wretched and i give up!!! seriously, i have several days a week where i am done... i'm done trying to keep up.. i'm done doing what will only be undone, i'm done trying to get them to clean up their stuff.. i just don't have the energy to care... but i DO care and that is the problem... i see no end to the messes, and today it has been around.. it's in every corner of my home... and i'm overwhelmed and want to cry... i don't like how it feels and i don't like how mad i get with the kids for just being kids.. but at the same time, how do i make this work?? i feel quite helpless and am done thinking about it...

so we'll move on... the other day i was on myspace and decided to go to the "jesus" page... there's several versions of jesus on myspace, my favorite being a black and white pictured jesus, but i went to the serene white jesus with long flowing auburn hair and inviting smile jesus' page this particular day (um, jews don't look like that btw)... but anyways, i was shocked and stunned by all the confessions people had to post... first off this was obviously NOT jesus's myspace, but people didn't seem to care, the need for forgiveness was more strong than common sense... grace.... the world is desperate for it... and even when i hear grace preached, there always seems to be this BUT.... that follows... like, God will forgive you.. BUT sin is powerful and could take you away... God will forgive you BUT you will still have consequences.... always a BUT follows... i understand... the desire to warn about grace... but if you have to warn... then go ahead... grace though, is that.... there really aren't any but's... you can do whatever you want and you are forgiven...in fact when you ask for forgiveness.... there's no lectures there's no... "i told you"... there's no.. you gotta suffer alittle and feel guilt before i forgive you.... as soon as you own your mistake... or sin (depending on your language preference)... it's gone, all forgiven!! i used to feel like surely i had to feel some guilt or get some lecture.. but NOPE... that's not grace... and it's not how God's worked in my life... it's that easy... ask and you shall be forgiven... you don't need to go to jesus's myspace for it... it's even simpler than that... now if we, as a church, could preach that... of course it would mean that people would use up that grace with poor choices... that's alittle more complex... when you hurt people... but not with God... hm, sounds too good to be true...

i'm tired, tired, tired...

updates

it's been a while since i have sat in silence... never mind that isaiah's upstairs screaming instead of sleeping... he took a 45 minute nap this morning (ggrrrr) and now has taken a half hour nap... thinking it's time to wake up... um, nooo.... so if he screams the next hour away instead of sleeping, so be it... i'm tired and drained, and operating off reserves... i need the next hour to try to gain some stability in me... out of all my children, isaiah has been the worst napper, ever... i don't understand it! he hasn't learned to put himself back to bed... and i wonder how much is temperament related... when he wakes up, he's just too stubborn to go back to bed... it's been a nightmare... some ground has been gained, where he has days where he'll take two decent naps... today isn't one of those... and so i'm in the basement floor, far away from being able to hear his protests... and i think i'm going to be needing one of those naps, myself... the house is quiet besides that... isaac has now learned how to climb out of his crib, which he does now, instead of sleep... alas, it's time to move him into the toddler bed we have for him... it's alittle car bed, and i think he'll love it... but once he sees isaiah in HIS crib, the feels will be mixed... the task of switching the boys and bella's room is great and i'm procrastinating it... bella, is the only one that still takes a good nap... and that's hard when i have three to deal with... in fact it's all challenging at this point...

speaking of which... my husband and i have a consultation to do something permanent for birth control... yes, that's right... no more babies... i went through a week of mourning over this decision but i'm all better now... the idea makes me feel relieved and almost giddy... we're done... i'm sure i'll cycle through the gamut of emotions, but i'm done!...

it's been a rough couple of weeks for me emotionally... alot of feelings are being stirred up by a few different events... one is that i called my mother in pdx, and was able to hear some truth about what's going on in her life.. and see her make some good choices.... and i called her this week, expecting to hear that things were fine, but instead i was pleasantly surprised to hear she's following through her decision to sell her business and get a regular job... she currently has a home for elderly which allows her no freedoms, as the residence need 24-7 care... on top of that, i had a discussion with an elder from my church that headed in an unexpected direction... he said that he wanted to be in a "father" type place in my heart... i've known him for many years now... and the mere mention caused alot of pain to flood back to my life... i'd given up on ever having a father, and the word still is unsettling to me... that anyone would see the need in me and want to address it, is quiet humbling...

i'm tired and so i will nap... while i can.. isaiah woke up at 12:30 am, 4:30 am, 5:30 am, 7 am.. and i finally got him due to terribly sad crying... he mouths, mum mum ma.... when he's upset... it makes me feel even more urgency since it feels like he's calling me...... when he's happy he babbles du du da.... go figure

drugs...

most of us have had a time in our life, where we made less than productive decisions... i'm going to share some of mine... all through my teenage years and up until my early 20's... i used ALOT of drugs, the illegal ones made by a street pharmacist, not the kind you pick up on prescription... so in alot of sense, it takes one to know one, type deals, has resulted... i can spot a user a mile away, and the sad thing is that our society deems only "junkie" looking people who are merely a few inches away from rock bottom, as addicts... when in fact there are plenty of celebrities who strike me as complete addicts (sorry girls, alot of those skinny models/actresses aren't that way because they "exercise, and eat healthy"... merely a lie), but that's beside my current point....

one of my family members is well on his road to that bottomless place of insanity and chaos... the kind only white powders bring to your world... and i'm struck by the sadness and helplessness that i feel at how it's all playing out for him... you can't help anyone who refuses to be helped... God won't even push his help on those who are closed off to it... so how can mere humans expect to change someone...

UGH, side NOTE, i put my children all down for naps, over an hour ago... and one's crying, the other is yelling, and the third, i hear make desperate cries every so often, they're all exhausted and NOT sleeping, this makes for an incredibly long and stressful evening... UGH!!!

we had a terribly traumatic childhood and young adulthood, courtesy of my biological dad (mom didn't protect us from him, either) sooo my "family members" rage, and anger are justified, but instead of evaluating how it all shaped him, he has become self destructive... the terrible thing about white powders is that it robs you of a soul... that part of you that has a conscience when you hurt someone or an animal... the part of you that essentially FEELS... so i'm left hear, reflecting on my own usage, hearing my children, and being reminded that redemption is REAL, but only if you know you need it... and even then, where you go and get it, makes the difference between change and just a matter of time, before you go back to your old vices...

i have nothing to offer this family member, except prayer, and the hope that the spiral down, will make him call out for help up... but honestly, i'm not convinced that it's not too late... he has become the very man he despised growing up... rage, it eats you up, and you have to numb it out with something... ugh, this is alot to hear, and i'm trying not to take any of it on myself... i can't change this family of mine, and i haven't had much hope that God could either, but maybe this is the beginning.... them seeing the effects, and hopefully that family member will get the help he desperately needs... he will die (literally) without it, and as for his mind, it's already wondered in the land of obscurity... what undealt with issues leave behind... a huge gaping hole of a mess...

looking up

so much continues to happen in my life... the biggest being that i'm more enticed by the idea that softness is an alluring, wonderful, powerful (if not the biggest), and evoking trait to posses... it's grandeur than having the answere, being right, and proving your point... wow, what a concept!! i have struggled with the idea.. my entire life...

what do i MEAN by soft? well, glad you asked, but i may not have the time to define... it's too brood of a subject.. a soft person has a tone, a demur, a look in their eyes, a way that they carry themselves, a way they pick the words used.... a way that they look... it's their entire being.. the softest person i know, well am getting to know... Jesus.... he had a presence that invited people to confess their short failings... can you imagine that??? these people didn't even know that they needed a God or even greater... a saviour, yet in this man's presence they recognized their need for grace... could you imagine meeting someone, soooo inviting that you would confess your greatest secret... greatest shame??? well, people did, all the time with HIM... without this grand declaration form Him... "i'm your saviour.. YOU NEED ME"... it was a fragrance He carried with Him everywhere, not because of what He did.. but because He knew who He was... and who He was not... it's too big for me to define, so i'll just share about me...

i grew up servery hurt by of all people... my parents.. in my house there where some very clear messages, and some very big subtle messages... first, i had nothing of worth to say... i wasn't worth listening to... i was hard to handle and difficult to be around...i was too emotional... and so my entire life has been about PROVING them (family) wrong... it has been a rough rode... i learned early that i had to fight for myself, that i was alone (even God seemed as helpless as i) and that being angry was WAY better than admitting to being hurt... so i have formed a very hard shell around my heart and have tried to protect myself from... ta da... feeling... it was my safest path....

but it has failed me today, and lied to me... because i don't protect myself at all...i hurt, but now bury it... and in the end, i prove all those childhood teachings true, but loose depth in my relationships... so now, i'm thinking maybe God is capable of defending me... not from pain, because people still hurt me.. but from feeling like i'm nothing... because i see when i'm not to blame... and that i'm insecure.....ugh, i hate admitting that... i like to put an image that i can verbally take anyone on... but truth be told...i'm tired, and my way hasn't been working in my relationships... so i'll elaborate on what's changing in my life, when i don't need to pee with the great urgency... plus i should be in bed.. night...

feeling so down...

it's moments like these that i'm glad i have some sort of outlet... i'm feeling low.. pretty low, and i'm wanting not to... alas, that's not reason enough for me to not be low... my little girl is playing with her brother's, bob the builder toys, and making them talk to each other, and this of course is bringing in a very good ray of sunshine in my heart..

okay so here's what is going on in my life.... i have a NEED to be heard, sure, i'm sure LOTS of people do.. but i act rather, um, hostile, about it (the new word that's been used)... i'm aggressive in group settings, you should see me, i cut people off left and right.. i mean that! this little habit of mine, is a less then desirable quality and one that gets adressed almost continuously...it's disheartening to me, and i'm at this place where i just want to say... "you can't deal with me, well then FINE!! one of us will leave!!" this whole, opening your heart and being corrected thing freakin stinks... i HATE IT!!! i have no ability to change this (i've tried for years!!) and i'm trying to figure out if God is big enough to really change me!! i have no idea how it's supposed to look and frankly i'm in tears over the "honest wounds" inflicted on me, by those people who claim to love me, but can only deal with me for this amount of time... OUCH!!!

our church has some funky ways, some things get dealt with... you can tend to have a feeling that it's high school all over again... little clicks... who's in "leadership" and really you're going to find that where ever you go.. it's human nature... but i gotta tell you, being on the outter rim (in this instance)... it hurts... just plain makes you go... sheesh, ouchie, ouch, ouch... it's not so bad when you're in the "in" crowd, wich i often feel like i am.. but i forget what it's like, and am grateful for the reminder, to not be included, for whatever reasons.. valid or not... it's painful

i guess this rambling is all in an attempt to not shut my heart off to the people who claim to love me, it's a reminder to be soft in situations where i just want to scream "f.... off"... but i don't want them really to go away... and honestly i want to change, i don't want to cut people off, or cut them down with words... i want to listen and feel, instead of speak and judge... but i'm not good at it, and when i hurt, i want to hurt back...

and so if the tears flow, then the softness is winning... and if i can have my husband hear my heart and understand that this is a tough, raw place for me to be in... then i'm not so alone, and i know God's in this, which is always a reason to attack him when the wounds feel alittle too hard... uncomfortableness is the strongest reason for change... and i'm uncomfortable...

it's hard when they sleep in your room

isaiah still sleeps in our room, we have a three story home, and our room is at the top... there are two rooms on the main floor that are bella and isaac's... so he hasn't gone into "sharing" his room with isaac, since he's the third child and we haven't had to go through what that might be like, it's been late in coming... but him being in OUR room, is getting old... isaiah hasn't learned that when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he simply has to go back to bed... he's learned that someone will go and address his need (give him a pacifier or bottle)... this has made uninterrupted sleep very difficult and it's draining and kinda old... i would like to move him out... but there's still this part of me that wonders if it's okay.... i struggle... and so i can hear him crying instead of sleeping, currently, and am pretty sure all he wants is a bottle, which.....isn't a need, but a habit...



i had an episode with isaac the other night... where i made a grilled cheese sandwich and was determined to MAKE him eat it... needless to say, it was a set up for a battle of wills, but i lost, ultimately, and he got a dose of mean mommy that scared him.. for no real reason... i was saddened by the experience and have resolved to not do that again... isaac eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.. i mean... ONLY pb and j..... this child of mine lives off of them, and not much else.. oh, juice and milk... and lately he must not be going through any growth cause his hunger has tapered off.. out of sheer frustration i tried to MAKE him eat a sandwich he simply would not... fear is an awful motivator to make kids behave... it is destructive in the long run (they get at an age where they are awakened to the truth that NO ONE can MAKE them do anything, then what do you have left?) and even though i KNOW this...it's amazing to me that i'll still try using it... i can give no logical reason to why the showdown had to occur, other than i am out of other methods... i've resolved to let him be, with the eating, and simply reward his sister when she eats her sandwich entirely with candy (good ole m&m's) in front of him... it is heartbreaking to him to not get them also, but he still refuses to finish his half of a sandwich... i count it as a lesson learned, and am hoping for both our sakes, that i don't repeat it...

isaiah got his bottle last night, and i put him to bed in our walk in closet which has a door that i can close on him, so that only the loudest of screams awaken me... and so, last night we slept very well...i heard him at 5:30, but i went back to sleep and eventually so did he... until 8:30... i woke up in a rested mood and that is NICE...

the weather is lousy, with rain, more rain, and wind with a dash of very cold... it reminds me of winter's in portland... nostalgic, but i'd still rather it be nice... 2 kids napping, and the third will go down in a half an hour, then i'll be napping as well, i'm tired today, which is the norm, and i'm wondering what i can do to NOT feel exhausted so much... is it my diet? ugh, whatever it is, i'm tired of being tired...

the house is quiet and i'm soaking it in... i love naps.. love them, i say.. i love alone, me time.. before the kids, there were so many times in the day where i was bored, now i welcome the silent times, that i can read or nap, or be on the computer... i have a full week of lunches with friends and activities going on and i'm looking forward to it... but for now, i'm going to go put isaiah down and nap... night

i get the privilage

so i get the privilege of speaking in front of people, every so often... at my church's youth group... it's an honor really.... it's what i believe, i was made for.. i get charged, i love it!! i don't have an issue with being in front of people and speaking about God and my perspective... what i do have an issue with is listening... and that being the case, i don't feel like i should be up there, until i have a better awareness of listening...

some background.. i didn't feel seen or heard as a child... EVER... really, can't recall any moments where i felt like it was safe in my childhood home, so i'm sure that played a part into this current struggle (not an excuse)...

but i had to blog about what is going on in this church i'm going to... it is EXCITING!! so exciting, in fact, that i'm not sleeping but blogging... i'm a part of a church that is making choices, i've never seen, but only imagined... the pastor that is taking the reigns is the son of the current pastor, and he's on a whole new level, in that he's getting away from the whole "i'm pastor, i delegate all tasks" sort of thing. he's moving into uncharted and much longer for (at least for me) territory of "wait, i'm not supposed to be the HIGH and ALMIGHTY" it's supposed to be about people, it's moving into a more TEAM philosophy..... why am i so excited.. because it's not about one person, it's about people, their strengths and weaknesses, it's not about the idea that one person runs the show (why did Jesus have 12 apostles? and the trinity is...um, 3)... it is more Christlike than anything i've seen, and the idea of working as a team... is well, more challenging... i love a good, growing challenge... i believe God didn't set up a hierarchy, which is what i see in a church... and the whole "pastors don't be vulnerable at the pulpit because they have other leaders to be accountable to" .... well i don't buy it... Jesus said "hello, if i'm lying prove it, if i've been putting on a show, show me, if i've done wrong.. address it!!!" and... no one spoke... we're not Jesus, but i don't believe any man, no matter their status, is above reproach (correction).....

so now i'm a part of a youth team that's taking the first steps into this new thing, i've never seen... and quite honestly, i have this grand thought that i could run it alone...i'm glad that's not the case, but would be a liar to say those thoughts haven't crossed my mind... i'm excited about what's happening in our church, it's honest, vulnerable, and real.. and the world lack all those for guide posts...

the basics are that the current "youth director" has resigned, without leaving... he has admitted before the church, that he is burnt out... and doesn't want to do it this way anymore (where he has all the responsibility for keeping it going)... he wants to be a part of something bigger than just himself... i am a part of that team... my weaknesses are long.. super long, but i'm getting to know others and their strengths, and how listening is something i want!!! desperately, i might add...

keep you posted on what this looks like, since i have no idea, yet, but i'll let you know... night