Christmas Loss

It feels nice to sit on my bed and type away, because it has been so very long.  A lot has changed. Our two girls are back with their biological mom, and her "new" husband, who refers to himself, as "the girl's dad".  We dropped them off in a pretty scary part of town, on Sunday afternoon.

Grief is a funny thing, it can move you around an emotional pendulum, that you weren't even aware existed inside your brain/heart.

I have something I refer to as a "negative disposition". I can take many guesses about the origins of this personality flaw, I have, but it really doesn't matter where it came from. It's really easy for me to turn every emotion into anger. But Christ. Everything I see or feel really doesn't matter, because Christ. His perspective, His truth, His love, it changes everything. These past few days, I have needed to be reminded, desperately, about that reality. The reality of the Gospel. It's a reality that I need to remind myself of daily. Loss really brings that to light. I am confident of Him, in this situation. Every time I have to say goodbye to any of the kids that become family, I know and am reminded, I do not save children, He does. I may not know the story He will write for our girls, lives.  And that's ok, mostly. He has been kind to me, as I have felt crabby, and a lot less patient, with everyone.

The decision for the girls to return was made on a Tuesday, and that following Sunday, they were gone. It was quick. I asked for that, because it has been so difficult for our 7 year old to gauge her reality. To know where she belongs. I pray. I think after several months, I may feel like this is permanent. Right now, I don't quite, yet.

The house is so quiet. My life is so much more manageable. No more visits, therapies, appointments, and counseling appointments. No more toddler whinings and defiance. No more need for constant affirmation, that is never enough. It is sad.

This is the reason that I hear so many "I could never do that" comments. But I must protest, and say, it's hard, but so very worth it. I have no regrets. none.

This season celebrates all that is worthy of praise and honor. It celebrates all that I hope in. That a child was born, as prophets declared, many years before, to a virgin. He was the Son of God, who humbled himself, dwelling among men....so that He could die the death fit for a murder, even though, He was without sin. (something no man can know).  He bore the wrath of God, on a cross.....to atone for the sins I commit daily. But that is not the best part...... my hope rests in His resurrection. He rose again!!! He never died. AND, He is coming back. This is what fuels my life. He is worthy of all my praise....no matter what I feel. When He comes back.....nothing will be the same.

Merry Christmas, beautiful believers.